A few weeks ago, I wrote about my visit with my sister to a store called GOOD VIBRATIONS where I decided to purchase DUO, not single, Kegel Balls for vagina tightening. Now I’ve always had a wide-set vagina, but I figured if there were any muscles I needed to start working on, it should be the ones that would help me to not spray every time I sneezed, or drip every time I coughed. According to the package, the inner bearing of the balls rotates to create a natural vibration, causing your PC muscles to contract naturally for a stress-free workout. Not to mention the added stimulation is a plus.
I vowed to my vagina that it would never have to see a Poise pad. When I saw the Don’t be freakin’ cuz your leakin’ commercial, I knew there was no beating around the balls.
The first time I tried to insert the balls, I experienced flashbacks to my amateur attempt to insert tampons. I’m not sure what my vagina was thinking when I was trying to insert the fig-shaped neon pink balls, but the jaws of life were not entering that Mo-Fo! I decided if I wanted to get those balls in, I was going to have to make her purr. So I started to sweet talk her, tell her how good this was going to be for her. I wore them for a few hours before I (my vagina) decided I (she) had had enough. I reached for the retrieval band and pulled, yanked, tussled. My Vagina [was] angry! She had a bear-claw hold on the balls, and she was not planning on loosing the battle. I had to do a little breathing to get her to relax. By the time I got the Kegel Balls out, my abdomen muscles were quite soar from the head to vigina dip position. Did I mention I wasn’t standing up; I was lying on my back with my legs reaching out-and-up. Each successive insertion was less dramatic.
After a couple of weeks of using the Kegel Balls around the house, I decided to try them out during Zumba class. Of course, on the day I decide to use them for class, the instructor decides to bring a guest instructor whose focus for the day was Samba and African dancing. You can imagine what my vagina was thinking when I opened my legs, bent my knees, and started gyrating my hips. Are you crazy? Do want to retire me? I thought we was hommies? At one point, I think my vagina was working harder than the rest of my body. I don’t know if pulling a vagina muscle is even possible, but I was sure something was going to get pulled.
I was about to give up on the Kegel Balls . . . and as I was eating lunch with mi Malito (husband), after a beautiful bike ride, I looked up at my bike, and this is what was decaled on the top tube:
Now if that’s not serendipity, I don’t know what is.