Days like today, I feel trapped, empty, lost. I’m at war with myself, inside, wanting to escape somewhere different, unknown, and wanting to stay here, where it’s familiar and safe, but not comfortable. I’ve sat here all morning distracted by chores, netflix and tossing and turning on the bed convincing myself to fall asleep. I’m yearning to go somewhere. Telling myself to get up and go for a long hike in the mountains or maybe still pack and go to Sedona.
Exhilaration seems to swoop through my body as I think about the possibilities of going somewhere. I have the money. I have the car. I even have the time. And yet, it is 2:00 in the afternoon, an I’m still sitting here. What am I afraid of? I keep changing my mind – another distraction that keeps me barricaded inside this house. I’m at war with myself, and I don’t know why. I want freedom, yet physically I feel stuck. What am I yearning for? Why does it all feel so complicated when it doesn’t have to be. Logically, it’s a simple decision. Emotionally, things feel suffocating and murky.
Why do I want to escape – go somewhere else? Why can’t I be content here? With what I have? With who I am?
There is this feeling lingering in my throat. That feeling you get right before you are about to cry. A knot holding my tears hostage. I don’t have a place to go, but I want to go somewhere. Otherwise, I might lose myself here. Every place I think about going, I seem to convince myself not to go. It’s too late. There’s nothing to do. It’s not interesting enough.
I belong and I don’t belong. I feel so lonely and disconnected from this world. But more than ever, I feel connected to nature. There is something comforting about being in that world. And yet, I’m still here.
A couple days ago, I woke up with a deep sadness pressing my body to the bed. Other than to get a few bites to eat and use the bathroom, I stayed in bed for the nest two days. Today, I felt brave enough to get out of bed and out of the house. So here I am in the mountains receiving all the healing I can absorb. I am trying to sit with these emotions that can sometimes feel paralyzing and uncontrollable. Trying to figure out where they came from. What message(s) do they bring. Maybe, here in these majestic mountains, I’ll find a little wisdom.