Imperfect, but Alive

Birthdayweekend 9

Some days I feel so alive, as if I have glitter running through my veins.  Everything inside me feels electric!  Other days I wake up longing for something and I don’t know what. The longing feels so much bigger than me, so much stronger than me.  It’s a longing that makes me feel lonely and even a bit empty, like a weightless sensation in the pit of my stomach.  But I don’t run away from the longing; instead I try to learn from it and recognize what I need to pay attention to in my life.  Sometimes I feel like a fallen leaf just tumbling along on the street without a destination, and I remind myself to just enjoy the moment, though the sense of loneliness sometimes feels too heavy.

Today, I woke up with a feeling of hopefulness, like little butterflies fluttering in my stomach –  in that small place where sometimes emptiness overwhelms.  I woke up feeling empowered and in control. It’s odd to feel in control of a life that no one really has any control over.  I feel in control even though many of the issues that are part of my life aren’t resolved.  The only way they are resolved is that I have accepted them in my life, and I do what is in my power to deal with them, and the rest, I have to surrender and release.

This morning, I felt incredible joy paying attention to life: the trees waving at me as I drove along, the brush-stroked clouds in the sky, the arms of the sun reaching into my car, the birds like cursors shifting across the sky, and the wind like translucent silk gliding over my face and arms.

I felt this way and noticed these gifts of life even though the world around me seems to be falling apart.  It’s a wonderful reminder that even in the midst of violence, chaos, and uncertainty, we must allow for life to flow through us, unrestrictively; that our wonder and acceptance of the unfiltered energy of life does not have to be eclipsed by the madness of the world.

This is the condition of being that I continue to strive for.   My relationship with life is fulfilling because it is alive, not because it is perfect.


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